


what choice of words will take me back to you?

by AgentBuzzkill



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Caleb Melodramatic Widogast is Back on His Bullshit, Letters, M/M, Pining, Specifically pining through unsent letters, Widofjord Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 23:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19239496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill
Summary: Fjord was intent on waking Caleb up and ushering him to bed, but before he could rest a hand on Caleb’s shoulder and gently shake him he caught a glimpse of what Caleb had been working on.His name was at the top of the page, the rest of the words Caleb had written down obscured by his hand and a smear of ink.He knew he shouldn’t pry. Whatever Caleb had to tell him, he would bring up the next time they talked.But Fjord’s curiosity had been piqued, and he was nothing if not impulsive. He saw his name, and he wanted to see what Caleb had to say.





	what choice of words will take me back to you?

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic for Widofjord week, finished the day it's meant to be posted of course. Big thanks to the people who organized the week, I'm so happy it's finally here!
> 
> Big big thanks to Ama who helped me when I was yelling about the hundreds of changes I've made to the plot of this thing over the past few weeks.
> 
> Title from the song 'Will Do' by TV on the Radio.

Returning to their house in Xhorhas filled Fjord with more relief than he ever thought it was possible to feel. Exhaustion tugged at him, the promise of food and friends and a warm bed the only thing keeping him on his feet and moving. In spite of his low energy, he was still full of satisfaction. His journey had been successful, he’d connected with his new patron and the powers she bestowed upon him and for the first time in his life he felt secure in his pact and his place in the world.

The feeling was unfamiliar, but hardly unwelcome.

The warmth that resided in him now only intensified as he opened the front door of their home (And he had to marvel at that. He had a home, and people who have missed him, two things he never thought he would ever have.) and crossed the threshold, only to immediately be met by eager greetings and hugs from his companions. They were really a sight for sore eyes. But as Jester and Beau began bombarding him with questions, Fjord looked around and realized someone was missing.

“Where’s Caleb?” he asked, looking at the others.

“His room, I think,” Caduceus replies. “He’s been buried in his books ever since we got back.”

Fjord nodded, politely taking his leave from the others before he made his way to Caleb’s bedroom.

They had left things on an awkward note, maybe Caleb wouldn’t be as happy to see him as Fjord had hoped. Even if most of his free time in the past weeks had been spent thinking of the last time he saw Caleb. Telling Caleb that he was leaving, that he didn’t know when he would be back. The quick, desperate kiss they’d shared. Everything he’d wanted to admit but couldn’t bring himself to say.

Fjord wouldn’t blame Caleb for being angry, but he still hoped Caleb at least gave him a chance to apologize. Even if he’d been acting on genuine feelings, he could admit he’d been a little hysterical. The emotional whiplash of renouncing one patron and taking on another, of having his powers stripped and then returned, similar but different in ways he couldn’t begin to comprehend at the time, it had all taken its toll on him and culminated in a heated exchange that they hadn’t quite resolved.

And then he’d left the next day without even saying a proper goodbye.

He stood outside Caleb’s room, hesitating for a moment before he raised his hand and gave a quick knock to announce his presence before opening the door. Before he left he wouldn’t have had any qualms about entering Caleb’s room, but now there was a hint of trepidation as he stepped forward.

“Cay?”

Peering inside, he could see Caleb sitting at his desk, the room completely dark. He was slumped over, his back to Fjord, and Fjord would have panicked if not for the soft sound of Caleb’s snoring that filled the room. He could see the gentle rise and fall of Caleb’s back as he breathed, and with a wave of fondness Fjord stepped further into the room. He was intent on waking Caleb up and ushering him to bed, but before he could rest a hand on Caleb’s shoulder and gently shake him he caught a glimpse of what Caleb had been working on.

His name was at the top of the page, the rest of the words Caleb had written down obscured by his hand and a smear of ink.

He knew he shouldn’t pry. Whatever Caleb had to tell him, he would bring up the next time they talked.

But Fjord’s curiosity had been piqued, and he was nothing if not impulsive. He saw his name, and he wanted to see what Caleb had to say.

With a deftness that usually eluded him Fjord slipped the small leatherbound book out from under Caleb’s hand and face. He stood still for a moment, waiting to see if Caleb would wake up, but Caleb only snored on.

Flipping back to the beginning of the journal, as Fjord skimmed the pages he noticed the first few entries were all in Zemnian. Fjord initially assumed that they weren’t related to him, but his name kept popping up before each entry, as if they were addressed to him. He was about to shut the book and wake Caleb, chalk it all up to secrets Caleb wanted to keep and move on, but then a bit of Common caught his eye.

Sitting down on the edge of Caleb’s bed, Fjord began to read.

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_I suppose if I am meant to truly pretend that these are meant to be sent to you, I should start writing in a language you understand._

_It has only been a few days, and already I miss you. We all do. Wherever your travels take you, know that we are with you. And we are waiting for your return._

 

_Sincerely yours,_

_Caleb Widogast_

 

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_The others have gone about their business around town, and I am alone in this house with too much time on my hands. While everyone seems to be itching for some action we all know that we should be careful. Jumping into danger without you does not sit right with me._

_I hope your days have been more exciting than ours. We will continue to wait. Beauregard believes she may have a lead on a smaller task the others could complete, if only to fill their time with something beyond watching Caduceus tend to his tree. In the meantime I have resumed my studies with Essik._

_Jester told me she messaged you the other day. I must confess I wish I could communicate at such a distance. I find myself missing the sound of your voice._

_I wish you continued luck on your journey._

 

_Sincerely yours,_

_Caleb Widogast_  


* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_A week with nothing to do has finally driven Beauregard and Jester to their breaking point. The others are setting off, heading south on business just outside Dumaran. More trouble with what is suspected to be bandits on the trade roads than usual. Robbings, disappearances. Easy enough work for the others to handle, supposedly. I’m sure Jester has made you aware of this already. I remain in Rosohna to continue my work in dunamancy, and watching the others leave has been difficult._

~~_The mark_ ~~

~~_The dreams_ ~~

_It’s funny. Even when I know these letters will never be sent, I have difficulty finding the right words for what I wish to say. It seems you’ve always had that effect on me._

_Travel safely._

 

_Sincerely yours,_

_Caleb Widogast_  


* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_Loneliness always seems to make the nightmares worse. It has only been two days on my own again and already they are unbearable._

_Perhaps it is the distance._

_I am beginning to think this was a poor way to learn how the apparent bond between us fares when we are apart. Still, I will not have Jester bother you about it. You have greater things to worry about beyond myself. Apparently Caduceus has asked The Wildmother about your progress, but she has been as purposefully vague as ever._

_She is proud of you, though. Of that it is certain._

_We are all proud of you._

_I continue to wait for more updates from Jester, but they are growing fewer and further between. Stay safe._

 

_Sincerely yours,_

_Caleb_

 

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_I have been thinking a lot about when we last spoke._

_It is difficult not to, when sitting up at night. The mind wanders, as it is wont to do, and mine often wanders to you. To the last time we were alone together. Everything happened so fast that night, and the next day you announced that you needed to go._

~~_I can only hope you do not regret_ ~~

~~_Kissing you was_ ~~

_I am not one to pray. You and I both know this. But I do pray that I get a chance to speak with you again. If only to apologize. If I made leaving alone seem a better option than staying or having someone accompany you on your journey._

_Rest well tonight. One of us deserves to._

 

_-Caleb_

 

* * *

 

_The nightmares are terrible and they are getting worse. I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to stop them._

_~~I keep losing you to water or fire or some monster’s claws and teeth. Drowned, burned, ripped apart, I’ve seen it all. I’ve heard your screams. I try and try but I’m never fast enough I can never save you and you always tell me how I’ve disappointed you and you hate me and I wake up calling out for you~~ _

_The days feel endless, the nights even more so. Essik’s lessons are a small relief but they always must end and I can only review my notes for so long. The Shadowhand is good enough company, but his attention always seems to have an edge. I have felt since we first met that he has ulterior motives, but what exactly those motives may be still remains a mystery._

_At any rate, his lessons are proving useful and my studies are developing rapidly. A small silver lining to this situation._

_I continue to hope that you find what it is you are seeking._

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_I have been doing my best to fill my days with studying, but by night I find I am unable to focus. The arcane symbols swim on the page if I look at them too long. I know it is probably due to exhaustion, but anything is better than the restless sleep that I know awaits me._

_If you were here, I am sure you would tell me to take a break. Perhaps I could find some bit of comfort in your presence._

_The others seem to be doing well. I have come to assume from Jester that no news is good news._

_I still wish I could speak with you, that I might interrupt your business with your patron for a moment. Truthfully, I do not know what I would even say. But just the possibility of such a thing would be nice, if only to hear your voice._

_Safe travels._

 

_-Caleb_

 

* * *

 

_Another nightmare. The house is too big. The silence is too much. I miss you, I miss all of you._

_Loneliness does not suit me as it once did. I have grown too comfortable around you all. It terrifies me more than the dreams ever could. I am too used to companionship again._

_I couldn’t leave you behind even if I wanted to. Of that I am certain._

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_My studies continue. Essik has proven to be a very effective teacher, though I am unable to discern if he is being honest when he says I am an especially bright student. But we both know he has always been difficult to read._

_I both look forward to the days passing and dread when they finally end. If only I were powerful enough to skip forward in time, to avoid any more too-quiet nights and have you all back here with me._

_I grow more and more eager for your return with each passing minute._

 

_-Caleb_

 

* * *

 

 _No nightmare tonight but you were still there._ ~~_You kissed me again. I could feel your arms around me. Is that what they would really feel like? So safe and warm?_ ~~

_I should have asked you to stay that night. Should have begged you. But you’re gone now._

_Please come back._

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_Jester finally got in touch. Even if no news is good news, I was beginning to worry. They have had a bit more trouble on the road than they were anticipating, and their return trip is taking a while. Though she mentioned she hasn’t heard much from you either, which only brings the worry back. Caduceus assured her The Wildmother would let him know if you were in trouble._

_Of course, if you were in trouble I don’t believe I would have any way of knowing. I keep waiting for something related to the apparent bond we formed in that blood pact to happen, but so far there has been little progress on that. When I have exhausted my reviews of Essik’s lessons, I have taken to researching the bond._

_There is little written on the subject that is more concrete than retellings of legends or myths. Part of me is tempted to ask Essik about it, but I can’t imagine his knowledge on such things would be too great._

_The scar feels warm sometimes, late at night or early in the morning, but that is the only observation I have been able to note. Beyond that it is just a scar. One that matches yours._

_I eagerly await your return._

 

_-Caleb_

 

* * *

 

~~_I saw us on the beach tonight. The sun was shining. We were laying on the sand. You smiled and kissed me but then you were gone and no matter how hard I looked I couldn’t find you. I think you were swept out to sea._ ~~

_You would tell me if you weren’t coming back right? You would tell Jester to let me know? Sometimes in the dreams you never do and I am left wondering where you went. If you found better companions or a better place to call home._

_I would not blame you if you did._

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_It would appear that Essik believes my current level of knowledge in dunamancy is sufficient enough that I will not need more lessons for the time being. I know there is plenty more to learn, but I believe he likes the superiority of knowing things that others don’t._

_In any case, all this means is that I will be alone until the others return, which is disappointing news._

_I already know sleep will not be easy tonight. May yours be more restful than mine._

 

_-Caleb_

 

* * *

 

_I need the lessons to continue. I need to be more powerful. If I am more powerful I will be able to protect you and you will not have to leave and I will not lose you. I never want to lose you. I know I inevitably will but I do not know if I will be able to bear that and I need to keep that from happening for as long as possible. I do not want to exist in a world without you in it._

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_Even though you will never see these, I am still weighed down by what I have not told you. Perhaps this would be the best place to reveal those truths. Free of the worry that you will not like what I have to tell you._

_I have not been honest with you for a very long time. It started before Darktow, certainly, however the events there have only exacerbated what already existed._

_Despite my best efforts to stop it, my heart still calls out for yours._

_I do not wish it to stop out of fear or shame. Surely nothing would make me prouder than being able to call you mine, and to be considered yours. Even at just that thought, my foolish heart leaps in my chest._

_No, my pride is not what is at stake. It is your pride I fear for. There are plenty of people more worthy of your affections than myself, and I refuse to pretend that isn’t the truth. But I am being presumptuous. The idea that you would ever consider giving your heart to me, even if I did somehow earn the right to keep it safe, is ridiculous._

_And yet I still cannot entirely stop myself from wanting._

_I wish I could go back to the kiss we shared. Perhaps if I had known it was coming, I would have been prepared to keep it going. To pluck up the courage to ask for more._

_But surely if you had liked it, you wouldn’t have pulled away so quickly and found an excuse to leave the room. I am sorry if I disappointed you. Part of me wants to ask if I did. Another part of me does not think I could handle what I know your answer will be._

_I both anticipate and dread your return. I miss you deeply, but fear that any closeness we have cultivated in our time as travelling companions has been ruined. I do not want to go back to the distance that once existed between us, but it feels inevitable. Being close to you, however painful, will always be preferable to distance._

_I can only hope that you will want to go back to being friends, and we will never need to discuss what occurred before you left._

_Please come home soon._

 

_-Caleb_

 

 

* * *

 

_Fjord—_

 

_The others have finally returned. All that is left is to wait for you._

_It is nice to have them in the house again, but your absence is still felt._

_Sleep may come just a bit easier tonight, but I have a feeling the dreams will remain the same._

_My heart still aches for you._

 

_-Caleb_

 

* * *

 

The next page was the one Caleb had been writing on. Fjord could barely make out what Caleb had fallen asleep writing, but it didn’t stop him from trying. A few words were still a bit legible and he squinted, bringing the book closer to try and figure them out.

He was so engrossed in figuring out what Caleb had been writing, he didn’t notice the sudden flicker of a few orbs of light until it was too late.

“Fjord?”

He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden sound of Caleb’s voice, lowering the book quickly and taking in the sight of Caleb sitting up at his desk, wiping at his eyes with the back of an ink-smeared hand.

He looked...rough was the only word that came to Fjord’s mind in that moment. His beard was nearly back, he clearly hadn’t shaved since Fjord had left. His hair was a mess, his clothes that he’d kept mostly clean and neat since they’d acquired new wardrobes in Xhorhas were wrinkled as if it had been a while since he’d washed them.

“You’re back,” Caleb said in the wake of Fjord’s silence and he very nearly smiled before his gaze drifted down to the book in Fjord’s hand.

“Caleb-“ Fjord tried to apologize but Caleb’s face had already fallen, sadness and fear evident in his wide eyes, and his chair gave a sharp scraping sound against the floor under them as he hurried to stand up from his desk and snatch the book out of Fjord’s hands.

“Caleb,” Fjord tried again, standing up with his hands held up and palms facing out. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“So you read them,” Caleb said. He clutched the book to his chest, looking absolutely miserable, and the guilt twisted inside Fjord. He knew he shouldn’t have pried.

“Caleb, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-” he tried but Caleb interrupted him.

“Didn’t mean to _what_? To go poking through my belongings, to invade my privacy? I understand honesty with the group is important, but this has nothing to do with the rest of you. This was never a secret that was meant to be shared. Nobody needed to know, least of all yourself.”

Caleb clutched the book a little tighter, his knuckles white. He looked terrified and Fjord wanted nothing more than to take that all away, but he knew he was the cause of Caleb’s distress.

“Cay,” he tried and winced as Caleb’s face twisted in pain at the nickname. “I’m sorry. I saw my name and I just thought...if you had somethin’ to tell me, maybe I should know—”

“Well you know now.” Caleb’s voice was low, and tinged with anger. The dim glow of Caleb’s dancing lights threw half of his face into shadow and made the dark circles under his eyes even more pronounced. He looked exhausted. “And you are free to do as you please. Go ahead and tell the others, so that you may all laugh together at poor Caleb and his poor _feelings_ —”

“You really think I’d do that?” Fjord asked and Caleb looked away at that, still clearly upset.

“You were never meant to read this,” Caleb said, his voice so quiet Fjord could barely hear him. “You were never supposed to…”

His voice trailed off and he looked down, seemingly unable to even glance at Fjord.

“You read all of it, _ja_?”

“I did,” Fjord admitted. “And I really am sorry Caleb, but I-“

“You do not need to say it, Fjord,” Caleb interrupted. He sounded so defeated it made Fjord’s heart ache. “I understand. I suppose I understood long before now, all I needed was your confirmation.”

“No, Cay, that’s not-“ Fjord cut himself off, trying to gather his thoughts and reassure Caleb at the same time. “You were wrong. In those letters. About...how I’d feel.”

Caleb didn’t move a muscle but Fjord did, closing the distance between them. He reached out, scarred palm resting on the side of Caleb’s neck, and watched Caleb close his eyes.

“There wasn’t a day that went by when I was gone that I didn’t think of you,” he admitted. It was easier to get the words out, knowing Caleb felt the same way. “That I didn’t regret how I left things. I shoulda told you, shoulda made it clear…”

Caleb squeezed his eyes shut harder for a moment before he opened his eyes and finally looked up. His expression was guarded, afraid to give too much away too fast.

“Hell, Caleb, I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you. I wish I could do it over again.” The words came tumbling out in his eagerness to get Caleb to understand. Later they could discuss the nightmares that had plagued Fjord while he was away too, how visions of Uk’otoa and drowning had been replaced by losing Caleb, how he’d spent his days longing for a way to speak to Caleb for just a moment, just to hear his voice and tell him he missed him. Right now? Fjord just needed Caleb to know his feelings were requited.

“If I could I’d do it right,” Fjord admitted. “I should’ve waited until now, when I’ve got a clear head and we can actually _talk_ about it, instead of me actin’ on the fear that I might never see you again and then runnin’ off before you could even ask me what the hell any of that meant.”

“Fjord,” Caleb said softly, his eyes still closed. “I… You can’t mean…” He shook his head, and his hand reached up, resting over Fjord’s hand on the side of his neck. For a moment Fjord thought Caleb was going to pull away but instead he stepped closer.

“I want you, Caleb,” Fjord said and it felt so good to finally let Caleb know. To finally get off his chest what he’d been carrying for far too long, thinking there was no way Caleb could ever want him back. “And there’s nothing in the world that would make me prouder than being able to call myself yours.”

Caleb released a shuddering breath. He opened his eyes, finally looking up at Fjord, and Fjord gave a tentative smile. In his time away he hadn’t forgotten how beautiful Caleb’s eyes were, but he’d been unable to recall their exact shade.

 _Not the ocean,_ he thought, _or the sky. Something better. A star, maybe. Or an arcane flame. Bright and beautiful._

“Kiss me?” Caleb asked, his voice so soft Fjord barely heard him. “Please, just...one more time, at least?”

“As many times as you want,” Fjord replied before he leaned in, pressing his mouth to Caleb’s. The kiss was softer than their first. No panic behind it, no desperation. It was simple and sweet and what Fjord wished he could have given Caleb initially.

Better late than never.

Caleb seemed content on keeping the kiss going for as long as possible, but Fjord had to break it to breathe eventually. The moment he caught his breath he leaned in for more, tentatively in case Caleb had changed his mind and wanted to stop, but the needy whine Caleb gave as his hands found Fjord’s waist and pulled him close told Fjord that Caleb definitely wanted more.

Caleb was the one to break the kiss then, ducking down to press a kiss to Fjord’s neck, and Fjord couldn’t help the little groan that left him at the sudden sensation.

“We should, uh,” Fjord said, his grasp on words slipping as Caleb continued to search his neck for the best spots to kiss, “get more comfortable. Probably.” He was very aware in that moment that he was still in his armor, and still exhausted from his journey, and really the only thing he wanted to do was curl up in a warm bed with Caleb until he fell asleep.

Caleb helped him out of his armor. Fjord could manage it himself, had managed it hundreds of times, but he wasn’t about to turn down attention from Caleb. Every so often there was another soft touch, another tentative kiss, as if they were beginning to explore what it meant to be open about their feelings toward each other.

Once he was undressed Caleb took Fjord’s hand, guiding him onto his bed and under the covers.

“You’ll be here in the morning, _ja_?” Fjord heard Caleb ask as they lay together, Fjord’s arm around Caleb’s waist, keeping him pressed to Fjord’s chest.

“Of course,” Fjord answered as he closed his eyes. It didn’t take long for him to drift off into the first blissfully dreamless sleep he’d had in a long time.

And when he woke up Caleb was there, warm and perfect in his arms, and Fjord finally felt like he was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, criticisms, and kudos are always appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
